Today I feel sad. Really sad.
Before I got pregnant, things in my life were not going super great. Nothing major. Just a general suckfest. We had originally decided not to start trying for a baby so soon because I was so unhappy and wanted to make some adjustments first. I tried to make those adjustments, to no avail. So, we decided just to go ahead. And that decision, I don’t know why, just seemed to put things in motion to go well again. Work, family, friends, etc. Everything was just peachy. And then, I got a positive pregnancy test! It couldn’t get any better. And man, I was even feeling great.
The Sunday before we found out I was probably having a miscarriage, I was at church, where of course our Pastor was being his usual awesome self. He was talking about struggles. And pain. And how we all go through it…it’s normal. And, where exactly, did we get the idea that to be cruising along without struggles was “normal”? It doesn’t say it in the bible. Almost the opposite really. He asked (rhetorically) who was just cruising along at the moment with no pain. With everything going well, and according to plan. I happily thought to myself, “ME! I am!”. And then he reminded us to enjoy it. Because it wouldn’t be long, until life got back to “normal”.
And then on Thursday it did. I feel like I wont ever be able to forget the little black hole I saw on the screen. The black hole that should have been holding a baby. With a little tiny heartbeat. The baby that so many people prayed for. The baby that was going to have a perfect spine. The baby I was going to get to take home with me, and not leave at the hospital. Instead, nothing. Everyone was praying for something that didn’t even exist. It never developed. Because it was so imperfect my body knew better.
And, I’m grateful that it did. But it still sucks. I still should be 8 weeks pregnant today.
Instead, I sit here still waiting for this miscarriage to pass. Every time I think it’s slowing down or stopping, it’s not. And, I’m not going to get graphic, but it’s just sort of a emotional process. That’s all I’ll say. If you’re unlucky enough to have gone through it, you probably know exactly what I mean.
Anyway, I’m sure this is mostly hormones. I’ve known this is happening for two weeks now. And other than the day I saw the black hole where there should have been a baby, I have not cried. But I guess today is different. For whatever reason. I don’t really know.
Anyway, I just needed to write that out. I’m fine, just a little down. I’m sure I’ll feel much better tomorrow.