So, my commitment earlier this year to blog didn’t really pan out. Things have been busy. Aside from work and having a three year old, my family has faced some of the hardest months of our lives due to a series of medical emergencies and unfortunately, the very tragic death of my husband’s brother-in-law, who he just calls his brother.
Everything started to snowball just a couple of weeks after I found out I was pregnant. This one was planned, just like the other two. And I was and am super happy to be expecting again. But it’s definitely been different than the first two.
With Donovan, there was just joy – plain and simple. Not tarnished by a whole host of “what-ifs”. I did everything I was supposed to do, had no risk factors for anything, and I had wanted him so, so badly.
With Ned, joy again! I don’t know what made me think it was a great idea to get pregnant when Donovan was 13 months old, but I just thought it was a great idea. And then the miscarriage happened. And that sucked. But looking back, I know God was totally in control of that situation.
And now it’s Rogan’s turn (Logan or Rory = Rogan until we know the sex). It didn’t dawn on me that since I had a pregnancy that began badly and one that ended badly that this pregnancy might not be the easiest to get through emotionally. Combine that with a new set of doctors and new insurance resulting from our move last year, and it’s been rough.
I’ll be 18 weeks on Saturday and I still find myself feeling pretty disconnected from this baby growing inside of me. In the beginning, there was spotting – something I never experienced until I had already known Ned was not going to be staying with me. Three different times I thought, well, that’s it. But it wasn’t. All was well.
We had our NT scan at 13 weeks, and it was perfect – which I am extremely thankful for. The only discouraging finding was the position of my placenta – flat up against my belly. I have an anterior placenta. Now, normally, I wouldn’t care about this. I’m having a c-section and it doesn’t matter where my placenta is. BUT, when you have to wait 18 weeks to find out if you are going to be one of the unlucky few who end up with multiple pregnancies affected by Spina Bifida, then it’s a really frustrating situation to be in. Because the placenta is nice and fat and growing all the time, it acts as a cushion between my stomach and the baby. So, all those kicks I should be feeling by now? Nada. I feel nothing.Normally that would just be a bummer, but in my situation, it’s an evil mind game. Is my baby alive in there? If it’s alive, can it move it’s legs? Maybe it’s just a lazy baby?
I feel fairly certain it’s still okay. We’ve seen it twice now. I heard the heartbeat on the doppler at 14 weeks. I’m gaining weight. So, that’s all good. But, I cannot stop thinking “What if?” What if this baby has Spina Bifida. I know we’ve done it once. I know we can do it again. But, Donovan is so high functioning and has had so few interventions compared to most children. Can I go through everything again, and then some?
Normally, women have a 7 in 10,000 chance of having a child with Spina Bifida. If you’ve already had one, those chances jump to 4 in 100. Up until a week ago, I knew it was possible, but had never heard of it happening. And in the past two weeks, without even searching out that information, I’ve heard of two different couples. I can’t help but think God must be preparing me for some bad news.
Either way, I know we’ll all be okay. It’s just the not knowing that drives me crazy…makes me feel far off and distant. Like, until I know exactly what the situation is, I cannot “own” this baby. That makes me feel bad, but I know it’s just how I cope. The less I am connected to a certain idea, the less it will hurt if I get some bad news.
Anyway, this is a really depressing way to “announce” a pregnancy if you didn’t already know, but it’s all that’s on my mind right now. Our ultrasound is May 11th. I may have more to add before then, or I may not. Either way, prayers are appreciated – for peace, understanding, and most of all for good news.