Guilt.

So, tomorrow is my ultrasound. I should find out the final word on what is going on. Baby or miscarriage.

And I’m feelying really, really guilty.

Guilty that over the last week instead of hoping and praying for a miracle, that I’ve basically just been resigned to the fact that there is no baby. The whole reason we told everyone in the first place was so that they could pray for the baby’s spine. But then as soon as I hear something is wrong, I just give up. Like there’s no way something could have just been off with my ultrasound and blood work.

Clearly, I know the odds are stacked against us. And it wouldn’t be the first time we’ve ended up on the bad side of statistics. But, why haven’t I even believed maybe something was possible. Instead I’ve just given up all hope.

I’m sure it’s because I don’t want to be disappointed. Again. But I do want this baby. So why haven’t I been more focused on the fact that it’s still possible, even just barely; instead of the fact that is will probably be bad news.

Anyway, I just feel guilty tonight. So, I’m trying to make up for it with a whole lot of prayer.

If you have a moment, please join me.